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Creative Computers
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Creative Computers CD-ROM, Volume 1 (Legendary Design Technologies, Inc.)(1994).iso
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the_savage_curtain_ii.pp
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the_savage_curtain_ii
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1994-11-17
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1,358 lines
Course: Very Long Star Trek Parody
Prerequisites: any 4 ST:TNG episodes and the following ST:TOS episodes:
Mirror, Mirror Obsession Operation -- Annihilate!
The Man Trap The Doomsday Machine The Immunity Syndrome
The Savage Curtain The Return of the Archons Miri
This Side of Paradise Charlie X ...and too many others to mention.
In case you missed last week's episode, here's the synopsis for
"The Savage Curtain, II":
While orbiting the planet Excalbia, the Enterprise is confronted by
a giant figure of Jerry Lewis in space. Since all Frenchmen revere
Lewis, Picard beams Lewis aboard. Picard gives Lewis a tour of
the ship with zany results (Jerry shuts down engines, separates saucer,
and gets his head stuck in Troi's cleavage). Then Picard and Riker transport
down to surface with Lewis where they meet Riker's favorite, David Letterman,
as well as the Three Stooges and John Candy in a giant bakery filled with
pies. They learn that they are the subjects of an experiment by rocklike
aliens who wish to understand the human concept of "slapstick humor". After
an intense pie fight, Letterman persuades the rock-creatures to do "Stupid
Alien Tricks" and the creatures are so humiliated that they release Picard
and Riker, though they hit the Enterprise with a gigantic cream pie as a
final parting shot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Prologue:
Picard: Captain's Log, Supplemental. We are heading through an
extremely dangerous region of space to pick up needed medicines
from the planet Dominos II. Our mission is routine, but I
can't shake an ominous feeling.
Wesley: Jean-Luc, sir, I've just modified our sensors again and I've
found three strange objects approaching us. And there are some
unusual sensor readings on the surface.
Picard: Shut up, Wesley! I need to expand the limits of my character and
you've interrupted what was going to be a hauntingly classic monologue.
Yar: Why didn't I get to say that? I never get to say anything.
Picard: Lt. Yar? I thought you were dead.
Yar: I got a new contract. That episode was just a dream.
[Wesley stalks off to the turbolift; turbolift door closes and we switch
scenes to the transporter room where Wesley is tinkering with controls.
He mutters, "This'll show them" and walks to transporter pad.
We get a flash of the effect from "Mirror, Mirror" to show Wesley
is transporting to alternate universe; upon arrival, we see a
gosh-wow expression on his face as he dashes out of transporter room.
Quickly cut to original universe, where alternate Wesley materializes;
instead of a sweater, he's wearing a black leather jacket and has
scraggly tufts of facial hair. With an evil smirk, he slinks out
of the transporter room. Now return to clean-cut Wesley bursting into
sick bay, where the alternate Picard and Crusher are humping furiously.]
Wesley: Mom, I didn't know you had stretch marks!
Crusher: [uunnnhhh] OK, Jean-Luc, [oooh] space the kid.
Picard: [reaches to touch communicator on his shirt on floor] Security,
Ensign Crusher will be visiting the Agony Booth.
Wesley: The Agony Booth? What's that, is it fun?
[A topless Yar bursts in, grabs Wesley, and drags him away to the
Agony Booth; Picard and Crusher exchange a "well, that's that" glance
and proceed to go at it again.]
[Dramatic music, cut to opening sequence and commercial.]
[Episode name: Where Everyone Has Gone Before]
~~~~
ACT I
~~~~
Riker: Well, Captain, should I just sit here and grin some more?
Picard: Hmm...should you? [he looks out at the bridge crew for suggestions]
Data: We've started receiving a distress signal from the planet.
Perhaps the Away Team should beam down.
Picard: Excellent suggestion. Make it so!
[Troi, Riker, Yar, and Worf exit]
LaForge: Captain, a ship is approaching us.
Data: A Ferengi ship. They are hailing us.
[cut to viewscreen; Mark Lenard appears in badly botched Ferengi make-up]
Lenard: Captain Picard, I have an offer to...to...aagh, I'm so
embarrassed. I...I've been a Vulcan, a Romulan, and
a Klingon, now look at me!
Picard: Stop whimpering, man, and say your lines!
Lenard: Yes, you're right. [clears throat; left ear falls off]
I have information to sell you, Captain. Information about
a great danger. Capt...[fzzt! screen goes blank]
LaForge: The Ferengi ship, it's...vanished! I'd better go look out
the observation port to see what's happened.
Picard: Data, have the Away Team beam up at once! We must have a
staff meeting.
Crusher [from sick bay]: <Looks like we have a flu epidemic of
some sort, Jean-Luc. I'm baffled.>
[Picard stares up at ceiling as if wondering where the voice is
coming from]
[scene changes to a disheveled room...it might be an ordinary
storage area were it not for scattered debris and bodies
littering the floor. we see the Away Team materialize.]
Riker: Readings, Yar.
Yar: One other human life form in the vicinity. All others are dead.
Troi: I sense evil! Great evil!
Worf: Do you smell something? Something sweet? A strange sickly sweetness...
Troi: I sense something soft and doughy. It has little rounds balls
of cooked flesh on it with processed dairy products. I sense
garlic and mushrooms and...and...anchovies ...oh, the
pain!
Yar: What do you make of that, sir? [points to a pile of take-out
pizza cartons labelled "Medicinal Use Only"]
Riker: I don't know. [opens up two cartons] It is called pizza.
Yar: What's this one with nails and broken glass in it?
Worf: Klingon pizza!! Yum! [snarfs down the whole pizza]
[ragged man bursts into room; he is wild-eyed and unshaven.]
Decker: Run away! Run away! It'll kill you all! Be gone before it's
too late! [flecks of spittle fly across the room]
Riker: Deanna, that's an old acquaintence of mine from the Academy ... Matt
Decker, III. He was expelled for overacting. Deanna ... Deanna?
Troi: Oooh, the pain, the pain. Such unbearable acting.
Riker: Matt, what's happened? Where's the rest of your people?
Decker: On the third planet.
Riker: There is no third planet.
Decker: Don't you think I know that! [eyes glaze over and he faints]
Worf: [munching on pizza] Don't you think we should beam up these
medicines, sir? It is our primary mission.
LaForge: Sounds good to me.
Riker: Geordi? How did you get here?
LaForge: I was sent to accompany you. [sucks his knuckles]
Data: [from ship] <Commander Riker, we must beam you up immediately.
We have an emergency.>
Riker: We have a survivor and some cargo. Beam us up.
[we see TNG crew materializing in the transporter room. Bob and
Doug MacKenzie are at the transporter controls. They are wearing standard
TNG uniforms, but with plaid shirts and stocking caps. Beer cans litter
the transporter console. MacKenzie Phillips and Spuds MacKenzie are
sitting in the corner. A "Great White North" map hangs on the wall.]
Bob: G'day, eh?
Riker: Who are you? What are you doing?
Bob: I'm Bob, hoser.
Doug: And Doug MacKenzie. Your show needs some Canadian content, eh?
Worf: MacKenzie? Shouldn't you be in Engineering?
Bob: No, man, we're CANADIANS...hey, what's that stuff on your head, eh?
Doug: Don't Canadians get to be Captain?
Bob: Doohan's Canadian, hosehead.
Doug: Take off, eh.
Bob: Well, we're just about outta brew.
Doug: Hey, have the Captain send us some brews and backbacon, eh?
[the crew starts to leave in disgust, leaving most of the pizza
cartons behind]
Doug: There's pizza, hosehead.
[they stagger to transporter pad and open pizza cartons; Spuds and
Phillips become interested.]
Bob: Do you smell something sweet?
Doug: What? Did you take a shower this year, hosehead?
Bob: Take off. Hey, this pizza topping isn't dead.
Doug: Looks like egg pizza, eh?
[the "pizza topping" flies up into the air and sails onto Mackenzie
Phillips' back. She drops, screaming in agony. A cloud of lights
surrounds Spuds, who is instantly drained of blood.]
Bob: I could use a brew now, hosehead
Doug: Go get some, eh.
Bob: Sure, I'll get some and I'll drink it all, eh.
Doug: OK, we both go, hoser.
[They exit, with pi